a chapter closed

Of completing a journey that made me rethink who I am

Well, well, well, who knew that I would actually make it to the end.

I didn’t.

I really thought I was gonna give up half way. I was going to. Really. I remember drafting a deferral letter and deciding the perfect time to send it. But whenever I thought about the loans I took, I panicked. Almost every night of last year was me crying and contemplating why I continued my studies, why I further burdened myself with more debt, how things could’ve been different if I had never quit my job.

Alas, here I am, finally having finished my 3 years of studies.

I came out totally different than I thought I would, and I guess really different from what people thought I would. I went in with confidence and determination, knowing exactly what I wanted and how to get it. Then everything hit me like a roaring wave, as it usually does, and I went crashing down into the depths of despair and lost purpose of what I was chasing, once again.

I was not expecting that in these 3 years, the shadows that once clung to me, the shadows I thought I had shattered, would ever return. But return it did, with a darkness and weight that was far more deep and heavy than I remembered.

All my insecurities, past inferiorities, my doubts came back to haunt me, sitting beside me in the corners of my room and my mind like unwanted guests that had no intention to leave.

They stared at me and into my soul, disturbing me in my wake and holding my eyes open in the night. I still haven’t shaken them off, but at least I can stare back at them with a little more confidence that they didn’t consume me.

I came out battered and shred into pieces. I’ve completely lost my confidence in teaching and caring abilities. I have lost sight of my dreams and what I wanted to be. And now that the studying and late night hustling is over, all that’s left is to figure out what to do next.

And I am terrified. Truly.

I took a break after my last presentation, with the intention to collect myself and plan for the future. But like a fast moving truck that never braked, when I finally did, I hit a wall, crashed and came to a complete stop. The road I thought I saw ahead was but only a mirage, a Fata Morgana, an illusion drawn by my delusions. And I didn’t know what to do.

It hurt, but there was no pain. I felt sad, but there was no despair. Instead, I was in a limbo. Day faded into night, night into day. I was a living, breathing, walking corpse.

I needed closure.

I contemplated for weeks whether I should attend this day. A day that if measured by all the days I have lived and will live, is only but a speck in my life canvas. I thought I did not deserve it. To celebrate something that has yet to be fulfilled really. For what is a degree if the knowledge and skills gained is not put back into the world?

As I demeaned myself, scratched and scraped at my person, I realised, why not? Why was I making something so simple, complicated? Why was I trying to justify my reason to acknowledge my own perseverance? I did not have to prove to anyone that I did it. I only had to convince myself.

This day gave me a sense of closure. This chapter of my life is now finished and it’s time for me to move forward. I now have physical, digital and pictorial proof that it is done and dusted.

It was a rough road. But there were still flowers that bloomed and beautiful sights along the way. And I am glad for the company I've made. Another road has opened, and a new journey begins.

No use to ponder on the ‘what ifs’ and ‘if onlys’. Time to contemplate on the ‘what nows’ and reflect on the ‘hows’.

Life still scares me. But I know it always will.