in hiding

This year, I have been in hiding because I felt like I didn't deserve to live.

*Kaz's cuteness has nothing to do with today's rant

Today, I attended a social event, a gathering of youth. We discussed the topic of forgive and forget. Although during the event, my mind was quite scattered as I wasn't prepared for what was to come. I usually prep myself first before participating in anything. I would read up on the organization, find out where they're located, read reviews and such. But this time, my only intention was to accompany my sister and since my afternoon was free, I thought why not? So, I had zero expectations. I wasn't even thinking of actively participating, I just wanted to see what it was about.

And so when we were sorted into groups of complete strangers and immediately jumped into defining what forgiveness was for each of us, I honestly did not know what I was spewing. Half of what I said was said unconsciously and came out in the spur of the moment. The other half was me convincing myself I knew exactly what I was talking about. Regardless, it was quite nice and refreshing to meet new people and hear their perspectives. I think I learnt more than a thing or two today.

Number one: I have been hiding.

Diving into a social event after so long of not socializing with people outside of my circle was nerve-wrecking. I kid you not I almost skedaddled if it were not for my sisters. I have been isolating myself for quite some time, only going out to meet familiar people. Yet, even so, I found myself drowning in my own thoughts. This year felt like a blur. So many things happened, yet so many things stood still. I stood still and watched as life passed me by for the most part. To say I am disappointed with myself is an understatement.

Which comes to the topic of forgiveness.

We had two sessions. The first, we defined forgiveness, and what it meant for us. My group members talked about how forgiveness is about acknowledging the hurt and letting go. Having the strength to confront a problem or a person, yet being emotionally present to not overstep boundaries. One person said how important it is to be able to recognize when to take a step back during confrontation, to know that you've done your part in informing the person of their mistake and of your hurt and leaving the decision of change to them. What we can control, we control. What we cannot, we let go and pray for the best.

To me, forgiveness comes when you acknowledge that there was something wrong. Because there are times, especially when it comes to a loved one, we don't realize that their actions were hurtful because we justify it with love. Only when we accept that those actions were wrong or unaccounted for, are we able to forgive and move on. Now that I am home, this made me reflect more on myself. Because how many times have I made a decision with the excuse to protect myself, only for it to damage me further? How many times have I been stuck, because I didn't acknowledge that what I was doing was hurting myself?

I never moved on because I never accepted it. I never forgave myself.

In the second session, we discussed more practical questions about forgiveness and moving on. Things such as to reconcile, or not reconcile, building resilience, and how our environment, especially or digital environment affect our ability to forgive. One key take away I got was that forgiving takes responsibility. It is a conscious, responsible decision you make in order to move forward with your life. It's to not put blame on others, but instead to reflect on ourselves and how we can move things forward for the better.

It is never something easy. But it strengthens us. Makes us more understanding, allows us to learn from experiences and broadens our emotional scope. And it's something we have to actively practice.

In the coming year, I hope I can work on forgiving myself and the past which I find so hard to let go. I want to move forward with my life. To be present during each moment of everyday. I know for sure it easier said than done because forgiveness needs to be learnt and practiced for it to become a habit. And my skill of consistent practice lacks in several aspects. But, we'll try.