Nearing the end

Why does it feel like my life has ended?

I'm now in my late 20's. I can't believe I've lived long enough for that to become a reality. Which is unfair really because being in my 20s means that I am still young. I have a long way to go- well if I am blessed (or cursed?) to live up to the lifespan of an average human being.

But why does it feel like my life has already ended? Or well, already nearing its end. Perhaps it's what is going on with the world; people dying everywhere, the horrific genocides happening at the same time, climate change threatening our very existence. Perhaps it's all of that paired with the fact that we will also be utterly alone when we die.

It's as if no matter what you do, doom is just around the corner and really there's nothing we can do about it.

As much as I've thought of self-exiting, death scares me. Maybe because I believe in the afterlife and the Day of Judgement. It feels like whatever I do will never be enough to guarantee me a good happily ever after. And that is scary.

Despite this horrendous and debilitating train of thought, I still find myself wandering into the world of hope. Hope that somewhere in the future there's still something bright, something worthwhile to hold onto. I still hope that there will be pockets of happiness that peek through the dark greyness of the future.

But will that do me any good?

I've gone out and met people, holding on to that hope. Yet I still managed to be let down, sometimes heartbroken. Maybe I'm putting my hope in the wrong hands. Maybe those hands are mortal and that's why my hope is crushed every single time.

So, why do I still hold on?

I don't even know why I am writing this. It just felt like this was a moment to put something out there no matter how stupid it will sound. Well, I've got it out now I don't know what to do with it.

Is it normal to feel like the older you get, the dumber you are? Or is it just because I'm not as healthy as I should be and that's why I find myself spiralling every other day?

I can't help but feel like my world has stopped spinning. There is nothing to look forward to, nothing to hold on to. Everyday is just a struggle to get by but the thought of each day passing without anything happening is as depressing as can be. And I don't want to feel that way.

I want to feel like it's worth being alive. I want to feel like I am breathing and living and thriving. I want to feel content with what I have and to feel like I belong in this time and space instead of imagining what it would be like 6ft under.

But even on the days that I feel like the sky is bluer than the day before, or when the air feels fresh and the mornings clear, the nights still feel dreary and unbearably dark. Getting past it sometimes feels impossible because in the absence of light, the shadows seem larger than life.

On the bright side, I still wake up each morning, sometimes with a hope that things won't turn out so bad as I think they will.

I do have a long way to go. And even if I don't, I should live and cherish everyday like it's the last shouldn't I?

So I really do hope that that hope is worth it all.